I haven’t been to the gym in weeks.
I just bought a house, see, so for the past few weeks my free time has been spent at the bank, at the utilities offices, on the phone with my insurance, with my real estate agent, lining up my mortgage and switching everything into my name and doing all of the last-minute things you end up doing or else when you buy a house.
And once I got the house, I’ve been spending my time cleaning, and painting, and doing repairs, and tearing down wallpaper, and making four trips to Lowe’s in a day, and carrying shit and moving shit and doing all kinds of exhausting shit.
The former was emotionally exhausting; the latter is physically draining. Between the two, I haven’t had any energy left over to work out. (Painting is a serious effort when you’ve got a herniated disc in your neck. Holding that edging brush up above your head for hours? Working that roller into the wall? I’m not kidding.)
And it makes me feel like a failure, as an adult.
Do other people do this? How do other people do this? (Do the other people who can actually do this suffer from chronic pain, from chronic fatigue, from depression, from anxiety, like I do?)
I’m not sure I can describe to someone who doesn’t have all of these setbacks how much of an absolute chore it is to gather the fucks to do anything that isn’t lie in bed and breathe.
And yet, not being able to do so makes me feel like a failure of a human being. I can’t even find a half hour to swim? I can’t make 20min to lift weights? How the fuck do I expect to do anything ever? Who do I think I am making these excuses? Everybody else does it; I should be able to.
But I can’t figure out how I’m supposed to manage it.